Friends, and why I don't have many.

I have gone through plenty of friends, some of which I speak to now, some of which I don't. A few of them can bugger off for making feel like crap, others I need to thank for being there for me, even though we're no longer close. But recently I've been feeling a bit... friendless. I mean, it's not like I don't have any friends. In the grand schemes of things I actually have loads. However, not the kinds of friends that every time you are with them you end up in hysterics and tears. Neither do I have a friend that I tell everything too. Apart from my boyfriend of course, he's my best friend, and that I'm very grateful for, but I'm talking about the friendship that is shared between two girls (or a guy and a girl who knows). All in all, I know the reason I lack these friendships is through all my own fault. 

I had two very close friends,  let's call them Bugs and Bunny. Bugs I met through my church's youth group. I automatically wanted to be her friend, but we attended different middle schools and I was scared to ask for her number, being the shy and anxious 13 year old I was. A few months later, I started my first year at High School. This is where I met her again, as we were placed in the same class and I was so so happy. Within time we became best friends, all was good. (I still have videos of us singing and dancing to Beyonce  and it's rather shameful yet hilarious all the same.) 

A few months later I started to talk to Bunny, she was in my general set and she seemed really nice. In year 9, I suffered with anxiety, and spent a lot of my lunches and breaks crying in teachers classrooms. (What a freak I was). My German teacher noticed my crying and took me down these weird flights of stairs that I didn't even know existed, and led me into the student support office. I then spoke to the kind, friendly woman (who turned out to be Bunny's mum, what a coinkidink!) for at least an hour, and I spoke to her at least once a week from then on. While these chats with were happening, I also grew closer to Bunny, spending more and more time with her. 

Sooner or later I had to introduce Bugs and Bunny together. They hit it off straight away; we were like the three musketeers, and it was great to be in a solid friendship being rather unhappy, like I was in year 7 and 8. In the beginning of my second year, I met my boyfriend. I'm not going to go through how I met him, I can save that for another post. With meeting my boyfriend, I started neglecting spending time with Bugs and Bunny, and I made an entirely new group of friends out of nowhere. Lets call them the squad (this includes my boyfriend btw ;) ). I spent so much time with the squad, at the local park, at the cinema, and I never experienced being with such a big, yet close, knit of friends. Guys were involved too, which was strange for me, as up until then I never had any confidence with speaking to the male species. The squad was everything. But then the squad crumbled.

The squads group chat died down and we didn't meet up with each other much anymore. I wanted to spend more time with my boyfriend so I did, almost everyday. We still do.  Although it's great and I love him so much with all my heart, I miss the friendships I used to have. My relationship with Bugs and Bunny felt so strange whenever I spent time with them, and even though we are still friends now, it's not the same. On Snapchat, I'd see them spending time together and I'd be riddled with jealously. I'm so lucky that me and my boyfriend are so close and get to spend time together, we're each others best friends. But I was that crappy person that ditched they're friends for a boy and that I regret. Don't make my mistake.

Now, I'm not saying I don't have any friends, I have plenty. But somehow still, without my boyfriend, I feel lonely. I'm too afraid to reach out, to open up and to be my self with anyone else. There are even people that I'm friends with now, that I still feel separate from them. I could become close to them, but nonetheless my mind just doesn't let it happen.

I hope soon that I can have that strong friendship with someone again, the kind where we're always at each others houses and doing things together and weeing ourselves laughing. I miss it.

Much love,