Feeling all the feels

Deary me. How do I feel in this moment in time? To be honest, today I don't feel too bad. I've given myself this day to rest. But I can tell you I haven't been able to say that for the past few weeks and I won't be saying that the following weeks to come. GCSE's my friend. But the thing is, I know I shouldn't feel as stressed as I do. I mean heck, I ain't doing no A Levels or dissertations in University. However, I still feel the immense pressure that is put upon me by my teachers, my peers, and most of all, myself. Of course, these exams are important, but so is my mental health.

Just thinking about the next few weeks has started giving me a headache.

I'm stuck between collapsing under the workload and trying to be as positive as I can. Being positive is something I'm known for within my friendship group; I try to find the bright side of things and be everyone's cheerleader. But even though I still manage it, oh it is so difficult. Sometimes I feel like snapping and ripping people's head off with my teeth (pleasant), but I still put a smile on my face (or at least settle with my resting bitch face).

Every second of revision I hate, but every second I don't revise is even worse. It's like voices are floating inside my head, eerily whispering "hey Lauren, why aren't you revising? You're going to fail your exams! You don't want that do you?". I want to just grab that voice and dispose of it so I can actually relax, but it doesn't go away. Even now I feel guilty for putting revision to the side. I'm stressed about revising as much as I'm stressed about not revising. *Internal screaming*

But do you know what's funny? I'm pretty sure I'm going to do well. I'm projecting my target grade in every subject, and all of my mock exams are piling up in grade A results. So even though I shouldn't have much too fear, I panic none the less. (a lot more than I should!) It's weird how the brain works.

I feel such a deep guilt inside of me for complaining, because at least I have an education, at least I have a chance for a bright future. There are much worse things going on in this world right and I feel so selfish that I'm constantly thinking about me me me. I should be grateful. I just can't believe it's going to get worse in the years to come.

Let us on a positive note; next week I will have finished high school, knowing that I value my right to an education. I value the fact that females in this country are allowed to learn. Even though I've not exactly enjoyed school, I have made a lot of memories, and have learnt a lot of lessons (pun not intended) and in fact, I am grateful. On May 13th ,I will be free from high school and on June 17th, I will be free from GCSEs.

Now I'm getting emotional.

I've never felt so ready.

How are you feeling recently? I'd love to know!
Lauren xx