Sunday 11 September 2016

Musings: Feeling alone


I'm feeling really alone guys.
You probably don't know this, but in July I went through a breakup. I wasn't happy in the relationship I was in, he didn't do anything wrong so to speak, but I just had a feeling things weren't right. I felt like I had to escape, I had to end it. We were together for a year and 8 months. But now without him, I know that I made the best decision for my sake as well as for his.

But the thing is, I feel empty. I feel the need to be loved again; I miss the feeling of someone desiring me and caring for me. It's only now that I realise how much I crave attention. And that's not something which can be a good thing. It upsets me that I can't feel happy alone, single and free. See there are times where I do feel those things, when I feel like a strong independent woman, but then there I times where I just want to hear that I'm loved.

And then I find myself looking at cute pictures of couples together, gifs and videos. It makes me feel so jealous and sick. I think knowing that I knew how it feels only emphasises the pain, because once upon a time that was me.

I don't miss my ex. I feel guilty typing out those words. I think what hurts more is the blow that I don't love him anymore. When you love someone you expect yourself to love them for a lifetime, you imagine a life spent with them and nothing else. You think you will love them forever. In life, I've learnt that that's not always the case. For a lucky few it is. But the reality for me is, I got over it. But I haven't gotten over the feeling of being in love. I want that feeling again. I feel so low, late at night, seeing all these good looking guys with amazing personalities and wondering why I can't find someone like that in my life.  Of course, they're not at all perfect, but I keep falling. I keep falling for people who will never be mine and that drives me even more insane. Crushes are supposed to be healthy, but in the end, they just make me sad. I keep falling for people so easily, and I'm idolising people I don't even know. 
Times are weird for me now because I'm feeling the highest highs and lowest lows. Because I'm loving life and all it has to offer, the nature, the music, the food, the company... but I feel there's someone missing. A specific someone. But I don't know who that is yet. I'm annoyed that I've let this feeling of "loneliness" take over me.

This a big thing, opening myself up to you like this. It makes me feel quite vulnerable and small. Normally I'm the strong, happy type, so writing this is definitely strange, showing my weaker side to you. I'm normally the advice giver to all my friends, a lot of people come to me for help and I'm always happy to do so. But because of that I find it hard to seek help and advice myself. Will people listen? Will people care? A lot of my friends just don't get it. That's why I have you.

I'm going off on such a ramble but I just needed to get some words off my chest. I feel like my blog is where I can do that. I always have you guys to listen to my problems and that makes me happy.  I want to know if any of you have felt the same way. Do you have any advice you could share with me to deal with this?

Lotta love for you guys,
Lauren xx
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17 comments

  1. Hey lauren, this post was really touching! Although I've never been in your position, I have a close friend that has and I think if he could give you any advice, I think he would say to focus your attention on something else, something you love, like your blog for example. Because when you focus your negative energy into something you love, it becomes positive and that can really help you to move forward.

    I hope your feeling of loneliness goes away soon, especially as you have all us in the blogging community behind you and sending you lots of hugs!
    freya x
    miss-perceived.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you Freya, it really means a lot (: that sounds like great advice
      Lauren xx

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  2. Hey Lauren x
    I have never been in this position but I have had a few friends be in similar circumstances. But what I always tell them is that if you start with all those bad feelings, flip them around completely and put them into something you love and enjoy, then you will have focus on that and you will eventually forget those bad feelings (because they don't exist anymore). It might take some time, but it will happen eventually.
    I really do hope these bad feelings go away soon. All of us in #teenageteam love Lauren and we are all sending you massive amounts of hugs. xxxx
    Charlotte
    http://vieaveccharlotte.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Thank you Charlotte, your advice is beautiful! Lots of love <3
      Lauren x

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  3. Hey, it's perfectly normal to be feeling this way after a break up, especially after being in a relationship as long and meaningful as yours. Your emotions are perfectly valid, and it's good that you're accepting them.

    My advice to you is to remember that you are loved, just in different ways than you were when you were in your relationship. You can also still give love, and throw yourself into whatever it is that you feel so passionately about.

    One thing I've learnt in life is that time is a massive contributor to starting to feel okay again, so just give it some. Just keep moving forward, one baby step at a time, remembering that you are loved and can love, and you are so much stronger than you think.

    If you need anyone to talk to, I can get in contact with you, or there is a website called 7Cups.com that has anonymous listeners, who will talk to you through an instant messaging service, and help you with anything you need to discuss. You don't need to sign up for anything, it's just a volunteer service to be a friend for someone who needs one.

    Chin up, lovely, I know you'll be just fine.

    Dottie x

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    1. Dottie, this message has honestly warmed my heart and filled me with so much joy! I appreciate you taking the time to write this so much, thank you!! Lauren xx

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  4. This was such an honest post! I think everyone has periods where they feel how you are feeling now, I know I have but just so you know you aren't alone! I hope you start feeling better soon!

    Ella xx
    www.inellaselement.co.uk

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  5. Posts like this really show how human bloggers are and that there is a person behind the screen. I really liked this boy for the longest time, in fact I think I might still do and then he went out with one of my best friends. You don't know how hard it is seeing the person you like fall for someone else but I've just accepted it and moved on. You may not think it now but just put your mind to other things like school work over looking at happy couples or blogging instead of thinking about crushes. At the end of the day you're 16 and this is the time to be with your friends and have fun - having a relationship will not make you the happiest person nor will wanting one. I'm the happiest I've ever been and I've never had a boyfriend (and yep I'm 16 in 2 months).

    I hope you feel better soon,

    Eleanorclaudie.com

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    1. Thank you so much Eleanlor! I'm sorry to hear about your situation with the boy you like, crushes can be so damaging! Thank you for your advice though, it means the world. Lots of love, Lauren xx

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  6. I absolutely adored this blog post, Lauren! I don't think you know how much your audience appreciates these types of posts. Knowing you are going through something similar makes me feel stronger. There was a time when I went through a terrible breakup. It took me a long, long time until I came to my senses and realized it was okay to be sad. It wasn't until a year and a half later until I realized that I didn't need a man in my life. Things take time. xx

    https://guiliannamarie.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much Guilianna! I always want to be as honest as possible, and I hope these posts show that. It will be a slow process but it's people like you who comment on my posts that really help and I appreciate it so much!! Lauren xx

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  7. Lauren, I really am so proud of you for writing this post. I know how hard it was for you to be so brutally honest, and to do so in such a touching way - well, that's certainly something very special. It's okay to feel how you do. It's okay to cry. It's okay to dwell. It's okay not to be okay. You are so brave, and beautiful beyond words, and you do NOT need a boy to define your worth. I'm glad you're accepting how you feel, and acknowledging it all too. It's not easy, but you have so many people behind you. I love you. Stay strong.

    Jade x | www.simplyjadey.co.uk

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    1. I love you so much Jade, I honestly couldn't ask for a better internet friend! Thank you so much for your kind words <3 Lauren xx

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  8. I am so proud of you for posting such an honest post. I have never gone through what you are experiencing so I might have really awful advice but the other comments on this post proof how unalone you are. Try and spend your time doing things you love with your friends and hopefully you won't feel any more alone xx
    http://blossomofhope.blogspot.com/

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  9. bless you, I can really epathise with you here, I was in your situation this time last year. In some ways, going to sixth form will be really good for you and a great distraction. Think of this as a time to focus on who you are and develop yourself as a person. I felt helpless after me and my ex broke up, like I was only half a person without him but it really gave me a chance to meet new people and now I've got a whole new bunch of much more genuine friends I probably wouldn't have if I was still with him. I promise it'll get better, faster than you think, and don't be afraid to kiss a few frogs to find your prince! you'll meet loads of cool new people at sixth form, stick in there baby!
    lipstick-andgin.blogspot.co.uk

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